the movies you watch on planes

“Nothing to do when you’re locked in a vacancy”

So when I’m a captive audience for many hours in a tiny tube, I will settle in and watch movies. I was really bummed that I couldn’t watch what I wanted (Best Exotic Marigold Hotel) and instead had to pick something out of the weird grab bag that was offered (in what world are Monsters Inc or How To Train Your Dragon considered NEW releases?) and as such had some mixed results.

Beautiful Creatures-
Some teen angsty movie about a girl with supernatural powers that moves to a po-dunk southern town and falls in love with a boy who’s different than all the rest because he reads, yes. At 16 she’ll be claimed for either the dark or the light side of the casters (why can’t you just be a witch? a caster makes things ROLL ON FLOORS. STUPID.) and she has no say in which way it will go. The majority of the women in her family are dark and they are going to get her for their own or whatever. Her uncle with his VERY AWFUL southern accent (I can’t with bad southern accents. I can’t. It’s why I hate True Blood) is trying to keep her safe and away from them. In the meantime she tosses her virginity to the side on top of a car in broad daylight. Did I mention she’s not yet 16? Call me prude but damn, slow your roll a bit, little girl.

Parker-
Jason Statham is a disciplined crook. When is Jason Statham not a disciplined something? I mean, that’s pretty much ALL he plays, right? And, I’m pretty sure he mostly tries not to hurt innocent people in all his movies too, right? Lots of “the principal” with this guy. He gets set up with a crappy crew that effs stuff up and then turns on him and he seeks revenge. Jennifer Lopez is Jennifer Lopez only broke and trying to sell real estate in Miami. Stuff blows up, it’s bloody and there’s screaming.

Hansel and Gretel Witch Hunters-
I’ve already seen this but I watched it again, just because. Hansel and his sister Gretel grow up to hunt witches and have cool toys they use in their pursuits. It’s a very “Van Helsing” style of movie, down to the costumes and the weaponry. There’s a twist, which you pretty much figure out early on but I won’t spoil here.

Stoker-
This movie is so messed up that Sprog stopped watching Skyfall several times to look over at my screen with horror on his face. It stars Nicole Kidman, Dermot Mulroney and Mia Wasikowska. Mia plays India, a troubled girl with an emotionally unstable mother, whose father passes away and leaves a huge void in her already solitary existence. Out of nowhere an uncle she wasn’t aware she had shows up and increasingly strange and mysterious events happen around them all. There are inappropriate relationships and revelations. There’s murder. It’s REALLY EFFED UP.

Skyfall-
I watched this mainly to see all the sights in London that we had just been past or seen ourselves during our trip. Bond is Bond…but I REALLY didn’t dig Javier’s horrible blonde dye job or wig (whichever it was). So much so that it distracted me from believing him as a villain. Also, I couldn’t buy him as a former agent. I felt it would’ve been better had the part been played by a Brit or a Scots actor.

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