in defense of “Perfect”

There has been a lot of conversation in my corner of the internet about people only showing the “perfect” sides of their lives on the internet. How people clean before taking pictures of their spaces. How they aren’t taking pictures of themselves sans make-up or without their hair done. How they aren’t snapping pics of their kids while they are tantruming over there on the floor. Which…hey, valid points but I’d like to present a different side of that coin, the perpetually sick side.

It gets really fucking old being sick all the time. When you are struggling with daily sinus/migraine/whatever else bullshit you get TIRED of your own life. You get fed up with hearing your own complaints. You feel ANNOYING and PATHETIC and if you are tired of yourself, how in the hell would you expect anyone else to want to be involved in your life? And that’s not even talking about the life you wish you were living. How you wish you were getting to be more active, how you wish you were doing all the things you love to do without being afraid of the pain or the pressure or wanting to crawl into a dark room and hide.

It’s exhausting and in a year or five years when I hopefully don’t feel like this anymore? I DON’T WANT TO REMEMBER IT. I DON’T WANT IT DOCUMENTED. I DON’T WANT THIS LIFE, YOU KNOW? I feel like this life is the lie. This feeling like crap all the time is the facade because this? THIS is not how people live. This is not how I should feel after spending $3000 for surgery, taking meds every day of my life, spraying crap up my nose every day, trying hippie solutions, buying large-scale equipment for my bedroom, etc.

So yes, I will be showing less of these pictures

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where my face is so swollen that my top lip is disappearing, trying to put make-up on hurt and I cried in my hotel room trying to pack and get out for the day and more of these

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where I went to some crazy replica of Stonehenge with my husband that same day.

or these where I saw my first field of bluebonnets in the 20 years I’ve lived in Tx
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I want to remember that I lived my life, regardless of my stupid illnesses and I will have my “perfect” pictures that prove it.

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