surely that can’t be right

Last night as I was drifting off to sleep, I was positive that today’s blog was going to be about sagging pants. I had a witty title laid out, I had my references to Dr Obvious’ show yesterday and I even had personal anecdotes ready to go. As you can tell, it was going to be quite the blog.

Today, I am not writing that blog.  Today, I am writing a blog about my internal plumbing or lack thereof. Why the sudden change you may find yourself wondering? Why would I suddenly switch gears? I went to pick up my meds this afternoon at Kroger and it was an amusing (amusing in a sick and twisted way) experience.

Rapid rewind to the year of 2001, a year I affectionately refer to as the year of suck, when I started a whole host of medical problems beginning with the lumpy breast. Some women have nicknames for their breasts and usually they are cute and sexy. I had only named the one, Lumpy, until Wills named the other The Runt sometime much later-but I digress. So after planning to cut off my waist length hair to make my chemo wig and deciding that I would of course get reconstructive surgery, I am a thinker, it turned out that the lumps were fibroids and the first surgery of the year was apparently over nothing. Remember that word “first” there, it’s going to come in handy later. Oh you may also want to settle in, it was a LONG damn year.

On my birthday (around a month after the surgery) a camping chair folded up with me inside and gave me my first official broken bone. It was the worst ever broken bone, the ass bone. There is no cast for that bone my friends, you get a lovely little donut to cart around (which is the same thing you get for a bad case of hemorrhoids) and if you are lucky, some good pain meds.  Fortunately for me, I had some leftover from my surgery but unfortunately for me a month or so later I still wasn’t walking so well which lead to me falling down the stairs at the Astrodome. Now, if you’ve never been to the Astrodome, you might not be aware that the stairs are concrete and double tier. I went down those bad boys on my shins.

So far we’ve covered December, January and February and the tally is Universe 2, Jess 1 (I’m taking Dec since I didn’t have cancer and its the only 1 I get).  Onward to March! A friend of mine went to California to have some surgery and I took on his spastic German Shepherd Anya. While dogsitting she got herself stuck in her kennel door and while trying to free her she busted the door outward and gave me a black eye and split the corner open.

In April, I started the period that would not end. Seriously. After the second week I went to see my dr and he put me on birth control pills. Nothing. Beginning of May the cramping started and the bleeding still hadn’t stopped. They had me in for an exam and that’s when he thought he felt a mass. Fab! Round two of cancer scares! A nurse turned a needle sideways in my arm while trying to draw blood! SUPER FUN! So they have me in for an ultra sound. Oh, if you’ve never had a lump in your boob, they do the ultra sound through a breast implant- I thought that was pretty groovy. Anyway, this ultra sound didn’t find anything. On Mother’s Day I was doubled over with cramps and actually got pushed back to my bedroom in my rolling office chair. Fucking hell.

Universe 5, Jess 1

June they set up the laparoscopy.  It was then determined that I had Stage III endometriosis. I have pictures of all my internal girly parts. I can show you my uterus, ovaries and even my appendix along with some really gross shit that looks like Freddy Krueger’s face.  During the surgery they lasered out a whole bunch of scar tissue and cleaned me up really well. During my post op visit my doctor sat me down for a come to jesus meeting where we discussed my options. One of which (and the most highly recommended) was getting pregnant again. I’d go through hormone therapy and then they’d attempt to get me preggers again. I’d always wanted another child and was pretty desperate at that point to make it happen. The ex was not having any part of it so it got pretty dark in my world for a while (on top of that my “adoptive” dad passed away right after my surgery) and then the bleeding didn’t stop.

Universe  Are you still counting?, Jess black hole of doom

The weight loss also didn’t stop. The pain didn’t stop either. I was taking vicodin to get through work, heating up a microwave heating pad to make the drive home, taking vicodin to make it through dinner and then passing out. Rinse and repeat day after day. By August I was wearing multiple layers of clothes (did I mention I live in HOUSTON) and weighed barely over 100 lbs I’m 5’9 or so when I made the call to just take it out. I knew that the ex wasn’t going to give in on having a baby and I couldn’t take it anymore. It turned out that I had been bleeding internally since June and had I not had that hysterectomy when I did, I would’ve just keeled over somewhere. The doctor* found blood pooling on all of my internal organs in that area.

Of course we all know what happened September 11th 2001. I was still recovering from my hysterectomy at that time. I’m not really going to get into my feelings on that day here as it’s too much for a small paragraph as part of a larger post.

Final tally

Universe-We’ll let you live, Jess-…

So anyway, all that crap lead up to why getting my meds today was amusing. I have to take hormones to replace all my plumbing being gone. I have an estrogen ring that lasts 90 days and Wills insurance in their infinite wisdom thinks that I should pay 3 co-pays since it lasts that long. When I ordered it the girl said that something was wrong with the cost on the second med. So I stated the price and she looked at me in surprise, when I said very calmly that it was right. 30 minutes later I went to pick it up and the girl asked if I knew the price before giving me the slip to sign. I just nodded. A few weeks ago I was there and a woman was freaking out over paying $18 dollars for a medication. I wonder what she would do if she had to pick up my $150 Femring and my $50 Topamax?

When I first heard the price on the new insurance, I had a cow. I mean it’s pretty fucking sick, but now what can I do about it? There is no mail option that will make it cheaper for us. I have to have it and honestly I haven’t had a period since ’01 so I don’t pay for tampons or pads, that’s a savings right there.  At least the ring is only 4 times a year. The Topamax is every month which is kinda shitty but I would do pretty much anything to reduce the migraines so they kinda have me over a barrel. Now I get to laugh at every pharmacy tech that is panicked about having to tell me the price every time I go to get them. Simple pleasures, right?

*Because my doctor is a stubborn and AWESOME man, he sent off the ovaries, uterus and fallopian tubes to be biopsied. All of them were completely engulfed with endometrial tissue. There was NO way that I would’ve been able to have another child if I had even tried. The one I have now is a miracle given that the age of the damage on my ovaries was older than he was at the time.

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