so i have this etsy shop

but I haven’t done anything with it yet. I have been taking photos for a while (like since high school) and people seem to really respond positively. I have done some photo shoots for friends and family but I haven’t made that next step, the one where I actually charge money for my work. I’m not sure how to put a price on things that I have created, decide which things people might like…

It feels like once I actually take the step, there will be all this pressure, like if things don’t sell it will mean that I’m not good enough and 1001 hidden insecurities will come bubbling up to the surface. I don’t want to hold myself back though, I don’t want to keep myself from taking a step I should be taking, if I should be taking it. How do you know?

prodigy

Sometimes I show my child inappropriate things. I’m forgetful okay? One of my favorite movies is Love Actually so, I want to share that with one of my favorite people…totally forgetting all the nakedness and faux porn scenes. Helllloooo awkward!

Yesterday it happened again. Sprog came home after being away for Spring Break and was in the office visiting with me (he obviously missed me because he came to chat with me for like 30 min on his own after school) when he played a Prodigy song for me on his iTunes. So I asked him if he had heard “Smack My Bitch Up”. He hadn’t and I insisted that he had hear it immediately…not only hear it but see the video. Can we just pause here a moment and ask me what the fuck I am thinking?

Of course, you’d have to have seen the video to know that really, it’s not something that most mothers would show their almost 15 year old sons. You’d have to be familiar with it to know that it was banned from MTV. That it was only allowed to be shown after midnight because it was that graphic…what with the groping of women, the fighting, the puking of blood, the strip clubs and the stripper sex. Oh yes. I am apparently CRAZY TRAIN up in here.

The reason I wanted him to see it and was all jacked about it was the ending. I had forgotten most of the shock value of the video after all these years. The nakedness and the groping…I remembered the fighting, the drinking, evading the police, the puking, the blood. I vividly remembered that it was all done by a woman and I wanted to get his reaction. I wanted to see his little mind blown by that and then have the conversation about it. How it was a big brouhaha of controversy when it came out and yet won some major (for MTV) awards. I wanted to talk about how women’s groups were up in arms about the violence against women depicted and how other groups were saying YES! Finally! Show that women can be the abusers as well.

To which he replied that of course they can, they have the knives from being in the kitchen. They are SNEAKY and CRAZY.

Watch me shake my head here.

So I stopped him and asked if he realized that women were just as capable as using their fists, a baseball bat, a cigarette or a tire iron. That women were not just relegated to using something they had access to when doing a menial chore like cooking, right? He said oh yeah of course…but that women are more mental about it. It’s more about controlling themselves (and sometimes others) and that’s why he said they would have a knife….that one day they’ll just snap. Guys are all about anger and testosterone and being big and bad, they get it out there all the time. They use their fists more because they don’t think they just do.

It was interesting seeing him process the information about how men and women are different into how they would be different physical abusers. We didn’t talk about emotional and mental abuse in the conversation, but I would like to one day…to hear his perspective, it truly fascinates me. He’s so unlike the general teenage populace when it comes to these things. Judging by “The Secret Life of the American Teenager” they are only thinking about sex. ONLY. That show is so painful, I don’t know how the adult actors can stand to look at themselves in the mirror for being on it.

He then went and googled the video so he could download it onto his iPod. Oh yay (sarcasm font) luckily you tube only allows the censored version, so the bad stuff is all pixelated but as he watched it again, he was looking for clues that it was a woman. Clues like the pink bed, the shadow of her hair in the bathroom, the way her hands look. It was cute how he was calling them out to me, like he was hot on the trail of a mystery, even though it was one he already knew the answer to. I love that he was still wanting to dissect the whole thing.

P.S. He wanted this in a blog for y’all. So cute how he thinks of you.

**Foodstuffs-list version because it includes the weekend**
California Style Garden Burger with carrots and hummus
Veggie Potstickers with chinese five spice brown rice
Bean and Cheese Burrito with deluxe tomatillo sauce and rice (Chuy’s)
Linguini with Veggie Meatballs and garlic bread
Wild Brown Rice with spinach
Oat Nut Toast with hummus and balsamic drizzle

cleaning for company

Say it’s 10 am and you have an open window appointment for your annual termite inspection between the hours of 1 and 5 pm, what are you doing?

Are you off running errands before you are stuck at home? Are you spending the time on the internet like it’s no big? Or, are you like me and franticly cleaning because some random is going to be poking about your abode?

Our house is never in hoarders territory but it’s almost always got some clutter going on, some dishes that need doing and definitely some piles of laundry waiting to be done. (Most the time the laundry is left there intentionally, the dogs like to sleep on our dirty clothes because it smells like us and I just find that too adorable to disrupt. We call them Mommy and Daddy nests, yes we are annoying like that) Anyway…we both have a bit of the pack-rat-itis and man, under the sinks? There is a bunch of shit that just doesn’t need to be there. If you aren’t plagued with the possibility of termites in your neck of the woods, when they do a termite inspection, they need access under the sinks, behind the tubs and around the entirety of your slab foundation. Obviously that needed to be dealt with but in addition, I just don’t feel right showing someone into my bedroom with bras all over the floor and the bed unmade…even though I never make it any normal day.

It’s nice when we have company, because the house gets SO CLEAN! I wish I had the willpower to keep up with it all the time. I think I have decided this means I just need to purge. If we don’t have as much stuff, it can’t get as messy, right?

**Lunch**
Hummus, avocado and brie sandwich on oat nut bread with the other half of the avocado chopped up and drizzled with Catalina dressing and cracked black pepper.

**Dinner**
We went out so I had a “Specialty Calzone” which is spinach, artichoke and mozzarella cheese. We also had kettle chips with dipping sauce for the appetizer. I liked the creamy caramelized onion dip and Wills preferred the buffalo sauce dip.

not a movie watcher

My husband’s family rents movies. That’s what they do. He grew up sitting down and watching many movies in a weekend’s time-frame and this is how he is now, he can do this at any time, on any day and enjoys it.

I like to go to the movie theater, even with its outrageous concession prices (prob cuz I don’t buy them), for a morning matinee or even for the more expensive ticket price, if it’s something I really want to see. (MARCH 5TH IS A VERY IMPORTANT DATE) If I’m home, I get antsy trying to watch a movie. I want to flip the channel and see what else is on.

Two things: 1) This drives the husband insane because he wants to watch movies way more often than I am willing and 2) I totally broke my own pattern on a shitty movie over the weekend. A movie that seriously was so shitty it hurt to watch it and yet, I couldn’t stop. I still can’t stop ranting about it, obviously, which makes no sense to either of us. I have bolted on so many shitty movies I can’t even begin to list them all. If it doesn’t hold my interest, makes me cry too much, is one of those embarrassment for embarrassment’s sake flicks….the list goes on and on.

The only reason I think this one got me is because there was an unknown element. There was something left unanswered. It was the three seashells, or the glowing from inside the case. I hadn’t guessed the puzzle yet. As shitty as it was, there was still an air of mystery and that was enough to keep me. In the end it SO WASN’T WORTH IT, but I am a sucker for any sort of puzzle or mystery.

Apparently my husband needs to only select mysteries on the Netflix queue to keep me in my seat.

on forgiveness

The other day I read this and it really resonated with me. So much of her life is resonating with me right now it seems (thanks for the head’s up on that Slynnro) and really that makes me a little sad. It makes me sad that my story isn’t more rare, that more people out there have experienced the fucked up shit that I have, that more kids have had the same fucked up excuse for a childhood that I have….or at least close enough to it that we get it, that we get each other.

I know a lot of people out there talk about forgiveness and how in order to be okay with yourself, in order to be truly happy, you have to forgive the bastards that have done these horrible things to you, that have committed these crimes and to them I say, bullshit. I am fine with myself. I am happy in my life and who I am, because I AM NOT A MONSTER. I do not forgive the sins of my father, the sins of my mother. I know that they are sad and pathetic and even evil people. I do not have to forgive them that…or forget that, I never have to, all I have to do is not dwell.

That is truly the key. It’s the dwelling that is the problem. It’s the inability to move on in your own life that is the problem. That is where people get confused, where they think that by forgiving someone you are able to be free and happy but if you easily forgive, you might just as easily forget and then, IMO, you might just as easily commit those same transgressions onto someone else. I would never like to treat my child in the way that I have been treated and of course the major evil things are easy to avoid…in so far as I am not a pedophile, I am not a drunk, I am not an abuser…but it’s the smaller things, the slights, the neglect, jokes at your expense in public (always in public) that might slip in just by having the same bloodline, you know? It’s more than that too though, it’s not just their children that they harmed, it’s their significant others, their friends, their family…everyone in their wake.

People think that they have moved on when they haven’t, that they have wiped their hands of it when they haven’t and those are the people that are truly unhappy. When you are stuck down in it, mired down in the muck of what happened to you? That is why you are unhappy, not because you haven’t forgiven. Figure out how to move past it, figure out a plan, what is going to help you rise above what is going to be enough for you and then do it. For me it was 1) getting away from them 2) never becoming an alcoholic 3) being the best parent I could be and 4) breaking the cycle of abusive relationships. For someone else, it might be doing volunteer work so that some other child might have a better shot at life or hell, even blogging so that someone out there doesn’t feel so alone, it’s all about finding what works for you and sticking with it.

The point is, just because someone says “it has to be this way” doesn’t mean it does, even me. Take everything with a grain of salt.

local bloggers?

So, I have joined twitter and I am on facebook. I blog here and at Style Lush and I have been to Blog Her. I don’t think I have ever met another Houston blogger (Claudia, where the hell have you disappeared to?). Isn’t that odd? Is it? I mean I see tweets (god that is such a stupid term) from other people about meet ups with other area bloggers so it must be a somewhat common thing, right? This morning I was reading Pioneer Woman and saw a list of blogs in Houston that had talked about meeting her during her book tour.

Somehow I think that by trying to keep myself off the radar because of family issues (I so feel you Hillary) I might be missing out on meeting cool bloggers in my area. So, are any of you lurkers from Houston? Should I be putting myself out there more? What about the rest of you? Do you regularly attend meet-ups in your area?

somehow the grinch is into decorating

I’ve already starting pulling out my decorations for Christmas! Obviously something is clearly wrong with me. I am still dreading this holiday. Still dreading all the drama. Still totally not started or even wanting to start shopping but pretty sparkly things? I am all about them this year. So freaking weird.

Anyway, you can take advantage of this insanity! Do you have your theme picked out yet? Would you like me to pick one for you? I would be thrilled to give you holiday decorating ideas, colors and stores to check out.

Hit me up!

Oh look for my stuff to be coming soon, it’s already been sneaking out into the house.

the cussing line

I referred to a man as a cunt in front of Sprog and he boggled. He then questioned me because, “I thought that girls don’t like that word?” I went into an explanation of the long labored words that refer to women’s ladybits and how women hate them, how each woman is different and it’s not universal and how usually the ONLY universal thing is that THEY don’t like being called derogatory terms PERIOD. This conversation spring-boarded into an even longer one where Sprog brought up my very colorful language and how I have a extensive vocabulary which made me snort. I snorted even louder when he used FUBAR as his base of reference for that statement.

Ah the misjudgments of youth. FUBAR can be learned just by watching Tango and Cash! That is hardly what I would call extensive in the cussing vernacular. I have MUCH worse. I mean really! There is a whole world of juicy, descriptive words out there, why would I settle on FUBAR? And why would I have him remember me for it? UGH. Twatwaffle, Fucknugget or direct from Zombieland: Spitfuck, are all much better options and not even gracing the barrel.

Of course there is one that I oft not tread and that is GD. I think that word has only left my lips twice in my life and yesterday was one of them. I was SO PISSED at Sprog yesterday. *sigh* I totally lost my cool. It was not pretty and I apologized immediately for yelling but man, When you get in an argument at 6 am about not wearing dirty clothes to school and you think it’s resolved, ie he is holding something else in his hands and says okay in his snottiest teenage voice ever and then you pick him up from tutoring and he is still wearing the dirty shirt that was supposed to be changed? Your brain doesn’t have time to slap the breaks on the anger train…it just steam rolls right on ahead.

Lots of deep breathing and several moments of silent driving later I was able to explain more rationally why his actions were/are not acceptable and asked him for his phone. I sent his girlfriend a text to let her know that he was grounded from his phone for the night and that he wasn’t avail to talk.

I don’t know why GD is this cussing line for me, I am not religious in that way. I do not consider it blasphemy…it’s just usually a place I never go. Odd.

big green lies?

Have any of you watched this program? A lot of the information they covered I have seen before: disposable diapers vs. fabric, organic food vs. not, everyone should buy a hybrid or electric car (how hot is that Tesla?) and an experiment on how much money can be saved by rolling your windows down and not using your car’s a/c, but I found the information on V.O.C’s particularly interesting.

They determined that the V.O.C level in your home is actually worse than that of downtown L.A. Um. Growing up in Az, I am familiar with the brown ring of smog and to think that the air in my house is WORSE than that appears to be? Eww. As they ran through a test by spraying household cleaners, I recognized one of the bottles

cleaner

as one I have been using in my own home. UGH. I had decided to try it out since my preferred cleaner, Method, is on the more expensive side. The V.O.C.’s from that particular bottle were stupid high and given my sinus and asthma issues, I am not down with that.

I had read a blog about making your own cleanser using Dr. Bronner’s castille soap, vinegar and water. I’m considering trying that out, have any of you heard of or tried this?

hair today, gone tomorrow?

It’s hot here, I know I have complained about it before, but it’s oppressive, overwhelming and pervasive. The heat is all you can think about. You dread going out doors. You are envious of anyone’s pictures or status updates that are outside and the least bit pleasant. You dream of vacations. You eye your suitcases and mentally pack entire wardrobes. You DEMAND to be taken to Portland, OR for Voodoo Donuts THIS INSTANT. You begin to once again hate the full mane of hair that sits upon your head.

You start looking at this picture

possible hair?

and consider lopping it all off again. But you hesitate because last time, the tears, oh heavens, the tears.

Hair is such an issue, isn’t it?

But the heat! It’s so hot. As Yosemite Sam would say, my biscuits are burnin, fire in the hole.