mum’s the word

So Sprog is taking Barbie to Homecoming. Y’all have no idea what a big damn deal this is all turning out to be. Allow me to sound like an out of touch fogey for a moment but back in my day, if you had a boyfriend, y’all just went to Homecoming. It was an expected, natural order of things, kind of deal. Now there is this expectation that he has to come up with some big damn romantic way of asking her to go. Um, excuse me? Why? Y’all are dating, it’s pretty much expected is it not? He’ll take you to dinner and do the corsage deal but it’s not as if this is prom or anything. OR as if he’s asking you to MARRY HIM. Christ. Simmer down teenage girls of Texas. There should not be “she said yes” video links for anything other than a MARRIAGE PROPOSAL. *eyeroll*

Also can we discuss this damn mum business? Poor Sprog was raised by a mother who is from another state so sadly for him (and his poor girlfriend) I have no idea what the hell this madness is all about and had to ask FB for help last night. If you happen to be as clueless as me (people from the left coast) let me enlighten you

mum
This hideous thing is a homecoming mum. They wear them on PURPOSE and get them in colors to match their school with various trinkets to match their interests or whatever they happen to think is cute. They can run upwards of $100 or more and the boys are supposed to wear a slightly smaller version on a garter on their arm.

SERIOUSLY?!? I just don’t get it. I have a fabulous friend that swooped in after others tried to help me on FB to actually sort out how to handle the specific issue with Sprog and Barbie and their separate school issue (she doesn’t go to his school, he isn’t going to her homecoming, she is going to his-how to handle when/where to wear the mum and which school colors to represent-see it’s all very complex!) and I very much appreciate her help but I still, just don’t get it. I suspect even if I grew up here? It just wouldn’t be my scene. Am I wrong? Would I be programmed somehow? Do you HAVE to want a mum if you were born in Texas?

it’s the most asshole time of the year

Since I stay at home, most of the time, it’s easy for me to forget how much I loathe humanity at large. Then the day comes when I have to run errands and I have to drive to the mall or Hobby Lobby and I am suddenly left wishing for machine gun turrets on my damn car. How do people cut across a parking lot and NOT EVEN LOOK for oncoming traffic who HAVE A RIGHT TO BE IN THEIR LANE????

The only thing that kept me from being in a murderous rampage today is the very large and imposing man that was walking out of Hobby Lobby carrying a very tiny and twee dog in his arms. If only the dog had been wearing a dress or a ribbon around its neck, the picture would’ve been perfect.

which one of my four nannies is responsible for this?

Mayday, macguyver'd
Mayday in her cone of shame which is now duct taped after she slammed into a table outside while chasing something in the yard and broke it and her foot which now has a sock taped to it because she somehow can still get to her sore EVEN IN THE DAMN CONE.

Somehow I think that if one of Bravo’s “Real” Housewives of Beverly Hills saw that picture, they would die of horror, especially Camille. I can see her lifeless, shark eyes now as she recoils and waves her hands at one of her four nannies or however many house managers to deal with the problem.

SERIOUSLY could they find a more deranged woman? I thought that Danielle was bad but at least you can see her be outright effing crazy. Camille is like sneaky sociopath crazy. She talks about having surrogates to have her children like it’s a perfectly natural normal thing, there is nothing wrong with her, but lets not eff up the only thing about her that is worth anything. Oh wait, she’s a hugely important producer, so it’s not her body that people want her for, but wait she dances like a stripper in front of another woman’s husband and then calls him cheap when he shoves 5 dollars down her top? But wait again, now we are going to talk about the doctor telling her that her breasts were perfect the way they were and did she say she had the implants removed? Yet there they CERTAINLY ARE when she is getting out of the ocean, hot tub, whatever, in a bikini. And speaking of hot tubs, OMG, that scene with the creeper in the hot tub? I needed a shower. It was so revolting and skeevy. Then she starts talking about how generous her and Kelsey are with giving a downtrodden friend so much. UGH. UGH. DOUBLE SHOWER.

And yet, “she’s in control” when she has a confrontation with Kyle? Come again? You just looked like you weren’t even on the same planet. Like you were on something or completely batshit dead inside crazy. UGH. She “verbally assaulted” you? Seriously? You hugged her and said everything was fine and then not 20 minutes later with NO CONTACT WHATSOEVER you totally turned tail and went back on everything you said!

And can we talk about Taylor “chasing” her husband? WHO WOULD CHASE THAT MAN? He’s repulsive. Seriously and utterly repulsive. I am so glad that Lisa said something about it and that everyone at the table was in disbelief with her statement, because not just no but HELL NO. I am in no way a fan of gold digging but that woman? SHE IS EARNING HER SHIT. Which doesn’t excuse the completely ridiculous birthday party she threw for her daughter. $60,000, on a 4 year old? I just don’t even know where to start with that situation.

Are you watching this season?

the haters of halloween

My pumpkin

This year I’m seeing a lot of hate float around the internets about Halloween. I’m sure it was probably always there, it’s just that I am in more places online now, connected with more people, so I can more easily see differing opinions. I don’t really understand anyone disliking Halloween, given that it’s my favorite holiday, but I can barely tolerate Christmas, so obviously I understand the sentiment. What I don’t understand is people deciding that something about it is “wrong” or “weird”.

As I recently just carved my own pumpkin (above), I was excited to see the fancily carved pumpkins on DesignSponge until I read the part in the article where it says that dressing up to walk around the neighborhood at 28 is weird. I wonder what the hell it is at 35? I realize that at my age I’m entering the “appropriate vs not appropriate at her age” battlefield and I’m sure that some would speculate I entered it when I turned thirty but Halloween is about fantasy. It’s about FUN and being child-like. It’s a night of being able to cut loose and be whoever you want to be for that one night. It’s about flexing your imagination and I look forward to my costumes every year. Sometimes we have someplace to go (this year we will be at a wedding during the day) and sometimes we just go trick-or-treating with the nephews (used to be Sprog but he’s way too old for that, now) but I ALWAYS dress up.

Of course, I am some weird Rennie (dresses up in costume for Ren Fest) too, so I guess it’s just par for the weird course around here. Instead of being a crazy cat lady, I’ll be a crazy costume lady.

it truly is a smell like no other

Sprog had two friends spend the night last night. Yes, that’s right, 3 teenaged boys in my house, all night long. I hadn’t met these two yet and boy, let’s just call them interesting, shall we? I may be silly in wishing for this, since I am a girl and girl relationships aren’t like boy relationships, but there has been no life-long friend of the awesome like I had with Jamie growing up. There is no one of his friends that I would take on a family vacation or even want to have show up at my house day after day, which makes me sad for both of us.

Anyway, Willy and I both got a weird vibe from these boys and then Sprog kept asking when I was going to go to bed or why I wasn’t asleep yet and well, it just made me feel like they were going to sneak out or try something else. So I stayed up until almost 4 am playing Lego Harry Potter (awesomesauce btw) but by then my dog was in full snore/sleep mode so there was no hope for me sleeping. Besides, I had to get one of his friends up and home in time to work today. So I just gave up and stayed up the rest of the night. Yes, I was up straight through until 6:30 this morning when I opened the door to the Sprog’s bedroom and was almost knocked over by the smell of pent up boy funk. UGH. So nasty. I say this all the time, lately, but I can’t believe I ever put my mouth on one of these things.

If you’ve never had one in your home for an extended period of time, you truly have no idea just how nasty they are, it defies all logic and description.

OMFG

for my beloved Coconut Diaries who only fell for me because of my snarky ways…
skank of rock
Because Corey Haim wasn’t suffering enough with his prescription drug demons, it’s come out since his passing, that he was dating none other than chief Skank of Love, Daisy de la Hoya. She, of course, took to her twitter after his passing to share her grief with the world and shocked those of us that didn’t think she could write. They’ve only just had their first official date a couple of weeks ago but they’ve been “hanging out” for a while and gone to the Playboy Mansion together along with that other Corey (that is also currently milking his death) so you know it was TRUE LOVE. Nothing spells serious romance like a double date with Feldman to that bastion of romance and sexually transmitted diseases.

miss whore '10
Did you know that you can win shit for being a HUGE WHORE? Well apparently you can! One of Tiger’s mistresses won $75,000 on Howard Stern. That’s right. $75,000 for being a prostitute…wait…hooker..wait…mistress…wait…she doesn’t want to be remembered that way either, right, nothing says don’t remember me for this like going on a show to compete for the title of Miss Tiger Woods. I hope you are putting that on your resume!

Ho-han
Ho-han is suing for her right to be a “milk-aholic” without those pesky E*trade babies making fun of her for it. It’s totally mean, you know. Those babies are such bullies! They are making her cry in her, well, milk and it’s just…it’s just not fair *cry*. If anyone is going to make any money off of her “milked” out image it’s going to be her, posing in images with scraped up knees, with cuts on her arms and pulling her panties down…got that? ONLY HER. Damn babies. Milk-aholism isn’t funny it’s SEXY don’t you get it?

espn
Speidi has finally given the reason that Pubes Chin has been carrying around crystals and reportedly spending upwards of $500,000 by announcing that Heidi has fired Pubes Chin as her manager and has replaced him with a psychic healer. OF COURSE. No time like the present for healing…no time like the after 10 surgeries and completely changing who the hell and what the hell you are comprised of, that is. We aren’t supposed to call them Speidi anymore, fyi. They are separate entities after all. I can’t wrap my head around a hippie message coming out of a walking talking “real doll”, so I’ll just go back to blacking her out and pretending that they don’t exist. Done and done.

Wait. Do you think that Heidi and Daisy should be friends? I think so.

j wowwza
Three things.

1) Who let J woww raid Dynasty’s costume closet?

2) Apparently the press would like us to believe that MTV has cut the kids off of alcohol until the next season of Jersey Shore, because the only place they can get sloppy and stupid is for their cameras.

3) You can be a VIG! Yes. A Very Important GUIDO. No one wants to be a P anymore. For over 4Gs you can stay in the same suite at the Tropicana where Jwoww punched The Situation. I thought Atlantic City is where all the old folks went to gamble? I mean that’s what I saw on Sex and the City and now I have to revamp that to somehow think that old folks are getting down with orange roided overly hair-sprayed set? Are they supposed to “fight the music” with their walkers and canes?

Births
McSteamy and that chick from the Noxema commercials had a baby girl

Deaths
Corey Haim
Boner (Andrew Koenig) from Growing Pains
Brittany Murphy
Marie Osmond’s Son

Super Douchedom
John Mayer
OJ
Chris Brown

respect your elders, just don’t smile at them

Saturday we went to Costco, as a family, because clearly we have lost our ever-lovin minds. It was ridiculously crowded and I was bordering on the edge of a panic attack, feeling like a caged animal, within the first 20 minutes of being in the store. I totally hate when I can’t get to a clear spot and feel like no matter where I go, I am in someone else’s way. I hate feeling rushed when I am trying to make my purchases because someone else is breathing down my neck the whole time. Also, I hate that no one in the world seems to have any freaking manners and is also apparently BLIND. ANYWAY, we finally got out of the main madhouse (the front-ish area) and I started to calm down a bit and get into my shopping rhythm, when we entered the meat section. And there we happened upon a dirty old man.

Dirty old men LOVE ME. Disgusting but true fact that has been true my whole life since puberty. Which, really? It’s not like I have Pamela Anderson’s rack or matching hair color from a bottle or anything. Bleah. At any rate, I didn’t know he was a dirty old man when I smiled at him. I thought he was just a harmless old man who happened to be in my way and so I smiled. Wrong move. I could tell by the way he stared that I shouldn’t have done that, but it wasn’t until much later, at home, when Wills told me what he did as I passed him, that I truly realized the error of my ways. Mind you, Sprog was walking next to me when this took place. According to Wills as I passed the man, he checked out my ass AND THEN LICKED HIS LIPS. *GAG* I totally wanted a shower when he told me that.

It reminds me of the time when I was again shopping with Sprog and a man ON A FREAKING OXYGEN TANK asked me for my phone number.

gettin judgey with it

I haven’t done a rant post in a while, I’ve been trying to think more positively and focus on the good…trying to be all around happier…or at least not bitch so much on the internet and see if it changes anything but there are things that just grate on the nerves especially this time of year.

* Our weather today was a low of 44 degrees, high in the 60’s with 18 mph winds. NOT SHORTS WEATHER. Certainly not shorts weather for little children and certainly not shorts and flip flops weather for little childen with snotty noses, learn how to dress your crotch droppings! (I have friends that call children this and it cracks me up)

* In a related note, swine flu will kill us all, so why the hell are all your flu-ridden children at Target during the day instead of HOME where they freaking belong? I do not want their germs when I am just trying to get a couple of bags of White Cheddar Rosemary Popcorn. Good Christ.

* Hey Target? You might want to check your effing stock! Popcorn that has been past its date since SEPTEMBER should not still be on your shelves. GAH! In the words of your floor mgr “Eww, that’s gross” So right you are dude.

* We all know that airplane seats are TINY. We all know that they are not comfortable. No one enjoys sitting in cramped quarters for hours on end with lackluster food and possibly bad entertainment but DUDE, please stop elbowing the shit out of me, you are not as large as you seem to think you are. Also, showers are good things, why in the hell do you smell like coppery feet? UGH.

* Hey dumb-ass? There is a whole line of people that stretches all the way up the street for this restaurant, there is no way you didn’t see us all standing here. Pretending like you didn’t isn’t going to mean that the people that have been waiting all this time are going to do the same, you will be called out on your shit.

* They are shoes, yes, they are knee-high. Yes, that would be a lot to lace up but fortunately for me, they come with a zipper up the back and I love them. I wonder if you think I can’t hear you when you are talking about me and my shoes? Do you think that I miss the gesturing, the elbowing and the commentary in my direction? I would think that women of your age would have some fucking manners or at least the skill to hide it better when you are being snarky. I wonder what you would’ve done if I stopped and talked to you directly on my way past instead of just letting you stare at me like slack jawed yokels.

* Why must the schedule of one group of the family dictate that of everyone else? HELLO! There are 9 other people here. If they have other plans that day, they can show up (or not) whenever they can, we shouldn’t all revolve around them. Especially not when some of us have to drive 45 minutes just to get there. UGH.

* Hi, holiday season which I hate, I see we are in full swing already. You can show yourself out as quickly as you showed up because you know I hate your ass. *spit* Feh.

observations from a mall

* Hey, they have Anime Chicks here. Wow! That one is REALLY dedicated, what with the blue wig and actual costume instead of just a school girl dress.

* Dude with the “Righteous Kill” shirt stabbing ferociously at some packaging with your pocket knife? You worry me.

* Willy has spotted Booger from Revenge of the Nerds. I wonder if it’s a paid appearance?

* Stay out of the picture, stay out of the picture. Dress up as an Anime Chick and you get your picture taken, who knew?

* Ooops, stay out of the video, stay out of the video. Jesus. It’s like an obstacle course.

* Holy crap there are a shit ton of kids in the Mac store. Do the Mac Geeks, excuse me, Geniuses get hazard pay?

* Interesting, or not, how Hollister looks EXACTLY like Abercrombie and Fitch. I think that might be the same half naked torso dressed slightly different in each entrance photo.

* In order to get me to shop in either one, they’d have to serve the cocktails that usually go along with that kind of lighting and ear shattering music.

* Oh how I love Z. Gallerie,

* Jesus, this Starbucks ALWAYS has a line. I wonder how big they’d have to make it for there not to be a line.

* Why is that girl carrying a stuffed penguin? Is there a carnival in this mall somewhere?

* No honey, I do not want you to start wearing a white belt and my jeans; thank you for asking.

OMFG: your eyes are not deceiving you

I have already mentioned my feelings for Tom Cruise but it would appear that I am not the only one.

Tom and katie

When your wife is effectively making herself into the letter of the alphabet to avoid her body touching yours, I think maybe you should hear the clue phone ringing in your stupid ass ears already. Could her smile BE any more forced in that picture? Could she BE any further away? I could parallel park in between them. Hey Tom, you know what else is best “left to the women”? When to leave your ass. I’m thinking yesterday is good, Kate?

Gwyn

Dear Gwyneth, it behooves me to tell you that whoever put you in that outfit hates you. Maybe they read your completely out of touch GOOP blog that talks about “bargains”. Just a thought, princess.

Jessica Simp

Dear Ashlee Simpson, that ^ is not a size 2. Maybe we could all be better roll models to girls, by being HONEST in the first damn place. We definitely could be roll models to girls by never allowing outfits like that to see the light of day, because oh my holy hell, NO. Even real size 2’s? NEVER DRESS LIKE THAT. Do you hear me? Do you want to end up singing at a Chili Cook Off? It wasn’t even at a state KNOWN for chili. It was a SECOND RATE Chili Cook Off. This could happen to you. Step away from the ill fitted, ridiculously un-flattering pants, over done hair and leopard print wrestling belt. There are only two ways it could end up: Jess is one example and brace yourselves

The Wrestler

this is the other. WTF?!?! Seriously. Thanks for the “Sinful” on the hat there, Mickey. We might not have known what to categorize this “look” you have going on. Did you hire someone to search the world for every piece of shiny material known to man and purchase it? Are you hoping to blind people? Are you really in love with that guy from Good Morning Vietnam that wears the SHINY GREEN SUIT? THERE HAS TO BE A MOTIVATION FOR THIS! WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU MICKEY???

Michael Lohan

Hohan’s father is quitting blogging. On behalf of the blogging world, I would like to say two things. 1) Please mean this. 2) Thank you.

Phelps

Attention asshole, not you Phelps, I’m talking to the asshole that took this picture and sold it to the press; you are a bastard. Do you feel better about yourself having brought him down a few pegs? Do you feel good seeing him suspended from USA Swimming and fired from Kellogg’s? What the hell have YOU done with your life? I want to know. Seriously. I invite you to tell me why you felt that what you were doing was right, the dude was blowing off a little steam after a CRAZY INSANE life, training for and WINNING in the Olympics. YOU can’t have any idea what living like that is like, none of us can. I say this as someone that has never smoked pot IN MY LIFE; you’re a tool. I hope you enjoy life as a hall monitor because that is all you are ever really going to be.

Etta

So Etta James covered that song “At Last”. She covered it, it was not her song, but apparently grandma didn’t take her pills before getting on the microphone and bashing Beyonce for singing it at the inauguration of “the one with the big ears”. Apparently she “had no business sing my song that I been singing forever” and is “going to get her ass whupped”. Finally on her tirade of crazy talk, “he ain’t my President”. Wow, that’s a lot of vitriol over a COVER song. Granted I think Etta sings it better but still, it’s a COVER crazy town. Simmah!

Bret

Where do you go from one of the biggest man-whores in Hollywood? Well according to Bret Michaels, you go to him, a wanna-be man-whore in “music”. I guess life on the Rock of Love Bus must be pretty damn boring (I know watching it is) because Bret, seen here in all his glory, is expressing his interest in Jennifer Aniston. Wow, Jen, that’s quite the offer.

Rehab
Kelly Osborne-get well soon!

Preggers
Hank Azaria

Births
JENNIE!! 7lb 2oz baby Kyle-WOOHOO!