August 8th, 2014

This morning I was woken up by nails clicking on the floor in the hallway and I instantly thought “Oh thank you, it was all a horrible nightmare, she isn’t gone” but of course it wasn’t and of course she is. The nails I heard belong to Maddie. There has been a lot of heartache lately: family drama, hurt feelings from friendships, the loss of family members stacked very close together, old wounds being reopened as I rekindle a relationship with my brother and on top of it all, the loss of my most precious girl. When we had to put Izzy down several years ago, a friend made a comment referencing a lifetime pet. Mayday was mine. Izzy was the love of our whole family. She came to all of us equally (but might have hedged a bit more towards being a daddy’s girl) and was generally happy to love on anyone that would love on her, it’s the Golden Retriever creed after all. Mayday? Mayday was my shadow. My spirit animal. As Sprog’s BFF said when he found out “I’m so sorry, I know she was your main bitch.” She was glued to me, she followed me from room to room, she was constantly under my feet and slept on my side of the bed at night. She stole my sheet and pinned me in constantly. She always knew when I felt like shit and kept me company as I tried to heal. She interrupted my yoga practice by sitting on my hair, licking my face or belching on me. If she went to Willy or Sprog I would sit behind her and talk for her and they would laugh because even though I couldn’t see her face, my words always perfectly matched her facial expressions and her face was incredibly expressive. She let me put anything on her, we dressed her up in clothes, antlers at Christmas, I put remote controls on her head…she would do anything for me.

She was a fighter her whole life, just like me, she was a tiny little sickly bit of nothing when I found her and her sisters underneath the stairs of that abandoned trailer 14 years ago. She was covered in fleas, starving and so desperate for someone to save her…she climbed right up on me and licked my face in joy, while the other two huddled together in fear. She survived two surgeries and even though they said we could expect about 3-6 months with her after having to have her spleen removed, she lived happily for another 15 months. She had horrible allergies, just like me, and I don’t know of a sadder thing than a dog allergic to grass. We battled ear infections and skin infections constantly. She had two strokes, her eye sagged permanently after the first one and she lost her hearing after the second. Her bark forever changed at some point in between. I call her the most expensive free dog in the world. But, I don’t care, I would’ve spent anything on her, for her.

I debated telling you about her last day/night but it was awful and graphic and I just hate remembering her like that. I hate remembering how she suffered. I hate that the last image I have of her was her in pain, struggling, in that place. I wish that she hadn’t lost her hearing so that my words could’ve actually comforted her. I promised her that she’d never have to camp again. That she’d never be tormented by another bug or another little annoying dog again. That she’d only be in the air conditioning she loved so much forever. That she was never going to feel anymore pain. That she’d only ever get her fancy wet food and huge fluffy bedding and mommy’s soft sheets. That she was the very best girl. The very BEST GIRL and I loved her so much. I wish that we got that beautiful last day filled with cheeseburgers and gorgeous pictures but as with most things the internet is not like real life. I wish I could say that I am okay with her being gone because at least now she isn’t suffering anymore and while yes, I am so glad she isn’t in pain anymore? I am most definitely not okay with her being gone. I am a fucking wreck actually. Like sobbing mess, can’t go into my own bedroom, wreck. When I was sad, when I was lonely, I would put my nose flat on the top of her nose and my forehead on hers and just hug her, I would stroke her super soft ears or lay on the floor with her. She always made me feel better and now she’s gone, just like that. 14 years is over. Every day I expect it’s going to get easier and it doesn’t.

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I miss you so much beautiful girl. Thank you for gracing me with your life. I am so lucky I got to be your mama.

More pictures here

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July 24th, 2014

So this one was hard for me and I am not sure I communicated as clearly as I wished, but as I allowed myself to be vulnerable in the space and showed it, I’m going with this as is.

Sanskrit name: Anahata
Meaning: Unstruck
Element: Air
Function: Love
Color: Green
Sense: Touch
Seed Sound: Lam
Chief Operating Force: Equilibrium
Demon: Grief
Foods: Vegetables
Inner state: Compassion
Animal: Dove

Posted in Yogini | 2 Comments »
July 22nd, 2014

If you follow me on Instagram or even on Facebook you know all about Frank and his month long vaca at our house. For those that don’t or that were curious as to how things went in greater detail, let’s talk about my buddy.

This is Frankenstein (or Frankie or Frankie Figs as I started calling him)
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he belongs to our friends Kristie and Duvain and he’s a French Mastiff aka Dogue de Bordeaux.

I fell in love with him when we met him last year in Wales on Sprog’s graduation trip, because COME ON look at this face!

Obviously when K&D asked us to watch him while they were out of the country, I said yes immediately but of course I had concerns in the back of my mind because of our girls. Mayday is fear aggressive to pretty much anything in the world and it’s only made worse by the fact that she’s mostly deaf after her latest stroke. Maddie is a sneak, she acts like she loves everyone but then snaps at any dog that gets within face reach of her. So, clearly, we were going to have issues bringing this giant dog into our home.

At first, and as expected, there was a lot of growling and avoidance by our ladies. Frank is awesomely trained so I would have him in a down stay and slowly bring the girls out into his space. Introductions happened with my hand firmly on a collar or body of one of the girls and lots of reassuring tones were used. We also walked them all together as much as we could (14 year old ladies vs 3 year old pup is vastly different in energy levels)
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but eventually 2 of the 3 had solid friendships
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and the other one would tolerate him, mostly.
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We got into a routine of taking Frank out in the morning to play ball with me and in the evening to play ball with Willy
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and took him to do things like get puppy whip at Starbucks or brunch at Barnaby’s
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and he really loved swimming in the pond next to our bayou
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Sprog was even willing to get his precious interior dirty for Frankie.
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He is well loved and a member of our family, now. I can’t wait to get him back at Christmas when it’s cooler and we can take him to do even more fun things outside.

Maybe even get him back to the beach
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July 21st, 2014

Chakra two is coming, as I mention in the video, for now we move on to chakra three.

Sanskrit name: Manipura
Meaning: Lustrous Gem
Element: Fire
Function: Will, power and assertiveness
Color: Yellow
Sense: Sight
Seed Sound: Ram
Chief Operating Force: Combustion
Demon: Shame
Foods: Starch
Inner state: Laughter, joy, anger
Animal: Ram

Posted in Yogini | 1 Comment »
July 16th, 2014

In the past few weeks I have been inundated with doctor appointments and tests. I have had medical issues for a long time now and have a running list of things that need to be addressed: gastroenterologist, ENT, hand specialist, OB/GYN and follow up with my primary care. So I had my OB/GYN for my well woman first because I figured it’d be an easy thing to knock out without a lot of additional drama or testing. I was wrong, of course I was, and so I got a bone scan added to my yearly mammogram. I also was treated to 8 vials of blood being drawn to work on sorting my hormones, a mouth swab to see how I metabolize medications, a test for RA and a test for sexually transmitted diseases (spoiler: I have none).

My mammogram came back clear, thankfully, but with the notation that I have “dense breast tissue” and my doctor might want to schedule me for additional testing as that can mask lumps. My doctor’s response “Dense breast tissue is good, it keeps things from sagging to our knees”. The drug metabolization test came back with A LOT of yellow notations which means I have many families of medications that affect my body in not a great way: if there is a side effect I’m likely to experience it or I need more or less of the recommended dose because of how I process. The hormone panel was atrocious which I expected. I have been on only estrogen since my hysterectomy in 2001. I have been dealing with insane night sweats and hot flashes, which have just progressively gotten worse. Of the four major hormones they look at I don’t even register with a number on 2 of them and the other two have a number so low as to put me in middle to low range of an 80 year old woman. Which brings me to my bone density scan. I DO have the body of an 80 year old woman! Osteoporosis with a high fracture risk in my spine (L1-L4) and osteopenia in my hips. Swell.

In my follow up appointment we discussed all my results and issues. I found out that I don’t have RA so my trigger finger is unrelated. We went over the best combination of hormones to try to get me back into normal to high ranges for my age. We also discussed all of my gastro issues and she recommended a full food allergy panel (why has no other doctor asked for this? we know I have at least one major food allergy, there are likely to be others) to try and help reduce inflammation in my body by eating the right foods. So another 12 vials of blood down and I’m waiting on those results now.

My trigger finger has flared up again. The first issue was in October of last year when I couldn’t even bend it. Now it just aches all the time and my range of motion is less. I went in for another injection but if this one doesn’t solve the problem our only other option is surgery. So far? It’s looking like I’ll get another surgery under my belt as the injection has only served to bruise my hand and my pain level is the same as before.

In my follow up with my primary care, I let him know about my osteo and he was shocked. He also told me I was too young for any of the osteo medications or treatments. I’m continuing weight bearing exercise like yoga and keeping up my calcium intake. We drew blood (ANOTHER VIAL, HAVE I ANY LEFT?) to check my vitamin B levels to see how that treatment is going. If my levels haven’t dropped drastically after moving the injections down to once a month, we’ll stick with that schedule.

Soon I’ll schedule an appointment with the gastro (I’d like my food allergy results first) and I probably will just wait on the ENT. I feel like there is no sense in having another sinus surgery when I am just going to continue to live in a place that I am allergic to and will barrage my face with more inflammation and scarring.

And hopefully I’ll start regular acupuncture for my migraines soon. I had a multiple day one this week that kept me out of yoga class. My hair is finally a little less hurty today so maybe it’s going to let go.

This body is a lemon. I demand a refund.

Posted in SIGH | 5 Comments »
July 3rd, 2014

So now we get into the individual chakras. The first being Muladhara Chakra or Root Chakra.

Sanskrit name: Muladhara
Meaning: Root Support
Element: Earth
Function: Survival
Color: Red
Sense: Smell
Seed Sound: Lam
Chief Operating Force: Gravity
Demon: Fear
Foods: Protein, meats
Inner state: stillness, security
Animal: Elephant

Please let me know if you have any questions, if I covered information that you find helpful and what information you might find more helpful that I could include in the next one.

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July 2nd, 2014

The Chakra video is up, today has been a day and the first video included a dog puking in the hallway and a dog barking (FOR NO REASON) until I threatened her with death so this final version has a janky ass edit and the second part is super quiet for some reason, turn it up after it goes dark for a second.

Hopefully it makes some sense. The next video will be chakra specific.

Let me know if you have questions after watching, I can answer them in the next video.

Posted in Yogini | 1 Comment »
June 20th, 2014

I did a little video, I think it’s a bit all over the place and this was like the 7th one so I left out things and said things wrong with each new re-record. Let me know what questions you’d like me to answer and I’ll do another.

Also, the forward facing does pretty well with photos but with video it’s not so hot. Switching back to iPad or the real camera for the next.

Posted in Yogini | 4 Comments »
June 17th, 2014

Instead of emailing these questions, I thought it might be best to post them here in case other folks might need some assistance in their thought process when choosing their Mala. Hopefully these general questions will help narrow your focus (and mine for those that have asked me to create a custom piece for them) and get you started on the right path. Once these are answered we can direct focus to specific needs.

1. Are you going to be wearing this piece or is it solely for meditation?

2. If yes, do you prefer a necklace or a bracelet?

3. If no, would you like a long traditional Mala or something shorter?

4. Do you have texture issues, meaning when touching things are you queeged out by rough things?

5. Would you prefer a tassel or just a simple bead to end it?

6. Is this piece something that needs to stand up to a lot of wear and tear or will it be stationary when not being used during practice?

7. Are you more drawn to dark or light colors?

8. Are you more drawn to earth tones, warm tones, cool tones, brights or metallics?

9. Would you prefer to have your energy focused on one specific issue per piece, a small set of issues per piece or as many as you can throw at it?

10. Would you say your energy is chaotic during meditation or does it seem to trail off?

11. Do lots of different colors and textures tend to distract you?

12. Does a singular color palette calm you?

13. Do you find holding heavy things in your hands soothing or annoying?

14. Does the faint click of beads knocking together annoy you in any way?

15. Would you prefer the string be a contrasting or complimentary color?

I’m going to put together some more direct questions too but I think those are likely more individual and won’t work in a broad audience. I’ll try and see how it goes for now, I’m putting this up here. Hopefully it helps to get you started, please let me know if you have any questions!

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June 12th, 2014

So now that I’ve given a general overview on Malas and meditation using them, I thought I would give a little greater detail on the beads I used in my current pieces.

The first one
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Lava is tied to the Root Chakra which is grounding and signifies strength and clarity (by rooting scattered energy).

Amethyst is tied to the Crown Chakra and is a master healing stone. It works to dispel nightmares, strengthens psychic energies, relieves stress and promotes clarity.

Howlite is tied to the Heart Chakra and is for spiritual attunement. It’s also soothing and helps calm an overactive mind. Works to build character.

Hematite is tied to the Root Chakra and is for balance and stability. It restores equilibrium and a sense of self. Deflects negativity and increases will.

Turquoise is tied to the Throat Chakra and is for protection. It encourages communication between the heart and mind, cleansing the aura and balance between Yin and Yang. Capricorn stone.

So if you look at what I put together there you can see I feel scattered, stressed, out of balance and am seeking healing, protection and calm. I need grounding and stability. I need protection and to feel safe in communicating what is in my heart and in my mind.

The second one

Cowrie Shell is tied to the Goddess Lakshmi and is for prosperity.

Zebra Jade is tied to the Root Chakra and is for adjusting to new situations or changes. A good stone for matters of the home.

Green Adventurine is tied to the Heart Chakra and is for releasing old habits, balancing emotional harmony and finding inner peace.

Rose Quartz is tied to the Heart Chakra and is for compassion and tenderness. It’s also responsible for diffusing negative stimuli and uncomfortable memories.

Howlite is tied to the Heart Chakra and is for spiritual attunement. It’s also soothing and helps calm an overactive mind.

Jasper is tied to the Root Chakra and is for grounding. It’s also about methodical, practical, down to earth solutions to problems and known as the supreme nurturer.

Soapstone is tied to the Sacral Chakra and is for use when undergoing great changes. It’s for cultivating a new loving environment and being prepared with a new calm energy

And if you look at what I put together there it’s all about being prosperous in matters of the heart, diffusing uncomfortable memories, being open to new experiences/relationships and approaching it with compassion and tenderness. It’s also about not losing myself in the midst of all of it and being grounded and nurtured.

Both of these encompass what has been going on in my life. Between the reconnection with my brother and his present situation, my health issues, the dog’s health issues and Sprog’s school/work stuff. I have all aspects of my life covered in two lengths of beads. Pretty interesting, no?

Posted in Yogini | 1 Comment »
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    I'm a 30-something mother of 1 boy and 3 large fur-babies, with an unhealthy addiction to fashion, decorating, shoes, photography, music and the internets. I blather on more in the "about me" section and well, in every blog post, that after all is the nature of the beast, is it not?
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